Wednesday infusion day.

Oh Wednesday, how I hate you. Every week a nurse comes and hooks up my port and I'm bound to a pole for 4 to 5 hrs. The annoying IV plays the song I love to hate most. And today will be extra special because noise hurts. Every little sound from the buzz of the fan to the ding of my husband messaging me on Facebook is killing my ears today. This is all part of my POTS. Somedays I love the world and on other days the world just hurts.

I was actually just thinking that if I didn't have young children that I'd probably drive off somewhere and take a pill that would make me sleep forever. Forever sounds good when there is no more pain, iv needles, medication bottles, no need for energy and the many other issues that comes with POTS.

Before you freak out and think wow she's going to kill herself or she's suicidal and you feel the urge to call 911; Stop right there. I'm not. I'm just extremely frustrated with how I'm living this life. How little I have control of it. How I had all of these plans like a college degree, a few mission trips and to never miss my son's ball games. It really hurts when reality hits you in the face.

So today excuse me while I hate everything, including myself.

<3

Man I need to just say...

I swear I'll post some more this week. We've had a lot of snow so it's been a little bit crazy here at home. I should be able to get my symptoms post up without fail tomorrow. I do want to share something right now.

Today I am filled with feelings that I hate. They rang from frustration to feeling like a failure. You see today is Valentine's day. I wanted to take my kids to watch a movie as their gift. While getting ready I was feeling really bad. Next thing I know I'm shaking (tremors). They were pretty bad. After discussing things with my husband we decided to offer them a rain check and another gift.

It is very hard to not feel like a crappy mother when you can't do the simplest of things for your children. All I want to do is let them have a normal childhood and not be affected by POTS like it is affecting me. Not being able to do things like this makes me feel like I've "dropped the ball" on motherhood or that I somehow can't even be a parent. I just want one day where I am normal. Where I feel like all the other moms in the world.

I'm sorry this sounds depressing but let's face it. POTS isn't a walk in the garden nor is it a trip over the rainbow.