It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel...

very sad. Or I imagine that's what you were thinking I'd type since that is the next line in the song. Thing is I haven't posted very much because mentally I'm trying to keep my head straight. I walk a thin line between depression, okay and suicide. I wouldn't even really call it suicide. I don't want to die nor do I plan on offing myself for a lack of a better word. More like, I wish a rock would land on me and take care of the job for me. Some days the only thing that keeps me going is my amazing family. They give me all the love in the world. For them I fake the smile and pretend that everything is fine.

I've had my official POTS diagnosis for around 6 years but I've had it much longer. About 30ish years. It doesn't change a thing. I've dealt with this pretty much non-stop w/o a remission stage for the past 6 years. I'd like a break from fighting just to pretend that things are normal. My depression medication isn't working any longer. I am meeting with someone to get that settled but in the mean time hearing the doctors talk about referrals to other specialist just breaks my heart. Thing is I put most of my appointments off because I'd rather take my kids to their events because that's at least somewhat normal for the other women who I see living a happy life. They may be faking it but I'm willing to believe them and follow along.

I'm also very sorry for the constant down/depressed post lately but this is a blog about me and how I'm dealing. So I'm planning on merging it with my craft blog so it will be truly a love affair based upon my life. I promise if you stay around you'll see that I'm not always sad and depressed and who knows maybe we'll all crack the code to this POTS/Dysautonomia thing sooner or later. I also promise to include some of the amazing adventures that do happen from day to day. Like did you know that there are tarantulas roaming state route 348 in Southern Ohio? Probably not because I'm pretty sure I'm the first person to discover this. ;)

Hang in there peeps. It's a bumpy road but we'll get there.

If you are feeling like you may be on the verge of suicide or need someone to talk to please pick up the phone and call:
1 (800) 273-8255
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Wednesday infusion day.

Oh Wednesday, how I hate you. Every week a nurse comes and hooks up my port and I'm bound to a pole for 4 to 5 hrs. The annoying IV plays the song I love to hate most. And today will be extra special because noise hurts. Every little sound from the buzz of the fan to the ding of my husband messaging me on Facebook is killing my ears today. This is all part of my POTS. Somedays I love the world and on other days the world just hurts.

I was actually just thinking that if I didn't have young children that I'd probably drive off somewhere and take a pill that would make me sleep forever. Forever sounds good when there is no more pain, iv needles, medication bottles, no need for energy and the many other issues that comes with POTS.

Before you freak out and think wow she's going to kill herself or she's suicidal and you feel the urge to call 911; Stop right there. I'm not. I'm just extremely frustrated with how I'm living this life. How little I have control of it. How I had all of these plans like a college degree, a few mission trips and to never miss my son's ball games. It really hurts when reality hits you in the face.

So today excuse me while I hate everything, including myself.

<3